I had only just begun to Re-acknowledge my religious following. It was barely a few months before my cancer diagnosis blew it out of the water. It has taken me years, years where I have suffered, to figure out the right spiritual path for myself but now I feel I have been spiritually estranged, and I don’t know how to regain my sense of faith. I am also fearful that I should be looking for religious direction in order to prepare for my death, but that is leading me down a very frightening and very confused rabbit hole, where I am having to battle against contradiction, doubt and potential hostility.
At the height of Summer last year ((2021)) I reignited my interest in religion. It has been a long interest, gaining me my highest GCSE grade at A*, but had been mostly dormant for a good number of years. I just didn’t know where I could fit in spiritually. Was there any place for someone who believed in God, Ghosts and the power of Witchcraft, as well as the presence of multiple aspects of power/gods and goddesses/deities in nature and beyond? I had approached the idea of following a joint Christian and Pagan path once before, while I was an UndergradStudent. I remember my parents scoffing the idea, calling it “design a religion” and then having a good laugh. I spent a long time afterward thinking it was a silly thing that only I was daft enough to consider. Then a fellow friend in my Goth Community and Diversity Community mentioned in passing that their faith was “Christo-Pagan”. At last, it wasn’t just me.
What does it mean to be Christo-Pagan? It’s just a different way of practising Pantheism, the following of multiple aspects of power. It includes both Christian teachings and ideas and older Pagan ones too. It’s not a modern creation, either. Many cultures blended early Christianity with their own longstanding Pagan practises and beliefs. They, like me, did not want to replace one with another but find harmony with both.
Constantine was concerned about this new religion, Christianity, unsettling his pagan subjects, thus incorporating it INTO the pagan religions, so Early Christianity never converted the pagans, it was absorbed INTO paganism
From Quora, “What is Christo-Paganism? “
Hence why so many Christian Holidays on the calendar coincide with Pagan Festivals, such as Christmas = Yule, Easter = Eostre, and so on. Those multiple gods and goddesses often became renamed as saints or as angelic figures (for instance, the Irish Goddess Brighid became St. Bridget..) Those old pagan cultures of our history were not forced to abandon their traditional followings until generations later with the dominance of the Roman Catholic Church across Europe. Like those cultures, I cannot abandon one following to serve another. There is space in my soul for both. We live in a far more individualistic society in the 21st century where religion is very much a personal choice as well as a deeply personal experience, not the mass conformity it was in the past. We also live in a society that can decide for itself what aspects of religion to retain and what should be left in the past. Writings from 2000 years ago cannot reflect all of what we are now, as we, and the world, are ever-changing. In these modern times, Religious organisations are beginning to open up more to diversity; to gay people, trans people, women, people of colour, disabled people. Surely the next logical step is to acknowledge multi-faith followings. Religion can adapt to change, and history has shown us where it can.
On a personal level, God and the Goddess to me are like Spiritual Parents. They are the aspects of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine, Sun and Moon, etc. It also comes of a desire to acknowledge all of my heritage as a person of the British Isles, a place and culture as much steeped in shadowy spirits, fae folk and black dogs as it is in church bells, hymns and prayer, and of course beautiful representations of Christianity through art and architecture. This is only a very basic glance over what I believe in, and I don’t expect this to make sense to anyone else. This is just what works for me, and is for the purpose of doing good for myself and for others. That is, after all, the core message of all religions. As for “design a religion” as my parents called it, isn’t that how all Religious practice is created? Regardless of whether it was two years ago or two thousand years ago.
I have a Bible and a Book of Shadows next to each other on my shelf. I created a working Altar, displaying both Pagan and Christian symbols.
There’s room for both God and Goddess in my following, and equal representation. My religious study involves searching for truth, guidance and meaning from both sources. My own personal Grimoire has as many prayers and bible passages as it has spells and rituals, along with more modern approaches like Affirmations and Mindfulness skills. This is as much about self care and therapy as it is about worship. Along with my Grimoire writing, religious research and starting up sabbat rituals again, I began re-attending Church in the August, at the beautiful St John’s in the heart of Cardiff. I was not only beginning to accept and understand what my following was and where it came from, but I was beginning to find a way I could actually practise it and make it part of my life. Then along the Autumn. Along came Cancer.
During the process of the initial investigation, and the first surgery, I found myself leaning heavily on both sides of my faith. I was open to and appreciative of all thoughts and prayers, all offers of Spells and rituals. And I did my own, too. I dug out my Crystals and put my Crystal Therapy Qualification to some practical use. I set up Spells at my Altar. I versed silent prayers as well as writing them, sealing them away in Jars or burning them in candles. As I lay inside the MRI scanner and on the Theatre Table waiting for the Anaesthetic to knock me out, I silently recited the Lords Prayer over and over again. It was the last thing I remember doing before I woke up.
The final outcome, after all I had done screaming to the divine for help, left me reeling. And left me questioning. How could God, the Goddess, and all of their associated deities or demi deities or saints, angels, whoever.. Let this happen to me? I had begged. Others had begged. What had I done to deserve this judgment? What had I not done? Had I asked for help in the wrong way? Or is my very direction the wrong one??
I feel like I have only just got to know God again and now I already have to repair my relationship with Him. I feel deserted. Abandoned. I haven’t yet gained the courage to show my face in my church yet, even though they are “rooting” for me. I’m not even sure why. Maybe it’s because I am lost on what I now want to ask of God, when I feel like what I have asked for has maybe fallen on deaf ears. Or maybe saving me from death or from a life of discomfort is too much to ask. And that goes for The Goddess too. I did the Spells. I was meticulous not to botch them. And like the prayers, they didn’t work either. Where did I go wrong? I haven’t tried any Spells since. I was even left questioning my Crystal Therapy, which has a basis with Science through the Kinetic Theory, and why that had done little to avert the pain or alleviate the physical or the mental symptoms of my condition.
Post diagnosis and Pre Op I feel like I have been cast spiritually adrift. I am looking for both guidance for the situation and its consequential effects on my mental health from both the Bible and any Pagan and Witchcraft sources which, despite the sheer volume of what is out there, is still hard to come by for this situation. I have prayers from my Church and some wonderful support from our Reverend Sarah, but I am afraid that discovering I also have a Pagan Path will lead to hostility towards me. While I can find Bible verses to provide a little comfort, how do Pagans face Cancer? Witchcraft in real life isnt like fairytales, you can’t concoct a cure out of candles and herbs. I didn’t know that I could ask for religious requirements in hospital. When I filled in the paperwork I said I didn’t have any such requirements, as I didn’t believe that my hospital could provide for such an avant-garde following as mine. Do Pagans even have a representative in hospitals? And what would the Hospital’s Christian Chaplain think of me if they saw I also give half of my faith to Paganism? Would they refuse to see me? Are they even allowed into my ward because of the still-in-place Covid rules? Or are there exceptions on religious grounds? Either way I suppose I would prefer the presence of the religious leader I know rather than be met with a stranger who risks making my anxiety fire itself up.
I didn’t know that I could ask for religious requirements in hospital. When I filled in the paperwork I said I didn’t have any such requirements, as I didn’t believe that my hospital could provide for such an avant-garde following as mine. Do Pagans even have a representative in hospitals? And what would the Hospital’s Christian Chaplain think of me if they saw I also give half of my faith to Paganism? Would they refuse to see me? Are they even allowed into my ward because of the still-in-place Covid rules? Or are there exceptions on religious grounds? Either way I suppose I would prefer the presence of the religious leader I know rather than be met with a stranger who risks making my anxiety fire itself up.
What is going to happen if I die from this? Am I going to be judged accordingly? I have never been able to forget the “God Fearing” approach I grew up with. I respect all faiths and all directions even though I don’t personally follow them since surely, at least one of them is right? Apart from Scientology of course. That stuff is batshit crazy. I don’t know what heaven or hell is, even though I did grow up with the Fire and Brimstone vs Clouds and Harps imagery. Outdated I know, but it still sits there in my quiet subconscious. Death is scary as I imagine it could be as much like being put on trial for the faults I have made in life as it could be just ceasing to exist and disappearing into forever blackness. As someone desperate to do good but always finding myself being interpreted as the complete opposite, I don’t think there will be much of a case for my defence. I have to hope ((and pray!!)) that God and the Goddess understand Autism better than most humans.
I am not forgetting Science, of course. It is simply that this post isn’t about that. Science is very much the religion of today. That and Veganism. There is only so far I can go with either side of my faith before my brain starts telling me I am stupid and I should listen to science and science only, and accept that there is nothing beyond ceasing to exist. But of course that comes with its own special can of Anxiety worms. Science and technology in medicine could very well save my life, but it hasn’t proven itself yet, anymore than my spiritual followings have. A more science appreciative based post will have to be written at some other, later date.
I am hoping I haven’t lost my faith. Again. I am hoping it is out there somewhere and I can re-grasp it despite feeling like it has utterly failed me. I hope those feelings dissolve over time and I can find other ways to get around my God/Goddess conundrum. I am still decorating my Altar for the Ostara-Easter-Beltane Season, and putting out a few symbols for those poor people of Ukraine. Its not all lost, but it is going to be a challenge to Re establish it in my life, or whatever life I have left.
Dear God and Dead Goddess, Father and Mother. Grant me the strength to live through this and to live long beyond. Grant me protection against pain, discomfort and suffering, and The guidance to return to you both. Blessed Be, Amen.
The Gothstomate 